New things!!

Isla is 6 months old! She has been doing more, a lot more crawling this week. Somehow she went from scooting to crawling before I knew it and has been getting into whatever she can find. The dog's rawhides, tennis balls, 12 packs of cokes, and she can find me when I go into the kitchen now. She's getting "fast" too.

She has also been sitting up from laying on her tummy or crawling around. I was excited that I got a picture yesterday morning! However, I didn't see it happen this time, last week I saw it but of course I want to see it again!! She picked the moment I started eating breakfast. She was on her tummy, then I looked down and she was sitting up looking at me.  Sometimes she likes to hang out down by my feet holding onto the bar of the coffee table and my leg, and sitting up looking at me. It's pretty sweet. I love it. She's so amazing. Yes, this first time mom is amazed and enthralled by the new things her baby is learning!! It's so cool to me.

She likes carrots more than green beans and she didn't like avocado so it's cool to find what she likes! I can barely get the spoon to the bowl before she wants more. Monday was her first day eating carrots. I do a puree a week, starting on Mondays; one puree feeding in the morning then one in the evening.  She can eat 3 cubes worth of food! She's growing so much!

Things you learn as a mother (and as a human being)

Nothing usually goes as planned. I'm constantly learning that as a mommy. It seems like there's something new every day that shows me that. I know the biggest chunk of "learning" that comes to my mind is Isla's birth and breastfeeding. That all went the complete opposite of how I envisioned it would. Not only was I induced, I had an epidural, and was about a week late. I wanted to go into labor on my own, and try to go unmedicated. Just wasn't how it happened though!

I still remember the week I decided to move on from breastfeeding. After about a month or so of seeing lactation consultants every few days we moved on to formula. It's still hard to talk about but maybe someone will see this and it'll help them. I might even share it on facebook. I think it's important that anyone going through something like this knows they aren't alone.

During pregnancy I had planned to breastfeed for at least a year whether it was nursing or pumping. We didn't have any big issues til after we got home. She was simply a lazy nurser then would get mad that she was still hungry, then that lazy nursing told my body to stop producing as much. Pretty soon I was seeing a 2 lactation consultants because the service at our hospital had 2 different women on duty who rarely had the same game plan for us!

I was feeding Isla every 3 hours. I'd nurse, then give her a small bottle of formula, and pump around the clock. I cried the first time I gave Isla a bottle. I ate oatmeal, drank Gatorade, and took supplements and pumped. It maybe helped some with my milk supply. I researched constantly and read about how every woman makes enough milk, and that if they worked hard enough they'll produce enough. I think I got maybe 3-4 hours of sleep every day. Toby would come home and take Isla while I napped so I could sleep. I'd put Isla in her swing while I pumped and I'd feel like all I wanted to do was hold her. 

I felt like a horrible mother. I was crying constantly and so angry with myself. I had always thought something like breastfeeding would be natural and easy, after all it's a mothering instinct to nurse your baby right? She started gaining on the formula/milk combo, and it seemed like I was finally making more so I nursed more. The LC would weigh her before and after she nursed and she was getting a pretty good amount so we started cutting back. I was so excited, til we went back to weigh in on a Friday and she hadn't gained, but lost 2 oz. Bring on more formula and pumping. I felt even worse after that, like a failure. 


I started taking Reglan, a prescription medicine to help me make more milk, even though I wasn't really comfortable with it I wanted to try everything I could. I stopped taking it after a few days because it made me incredibly tired and even more depressed. At some point the LC and I tested my pump and found out that it wasn't functioning right and that was adding or maybe even causing the problems. We replaced parts and she rented me a hospital grade pump for free to try to catch up. 


I was driving to or from the LC one morning when Mandisa's Waiting for Tomorrow came on the radio and it just hit me so hard. I hated how much time and effort I was putting into breastfeeding and even more that it wasn't working out. I felt like I wasn't getting enough time to just enjoy Isla and being a mother. I was just done, it was time to move on, and I had tried my best. I was tired, and I felt like I was missing out on precious time with Isla. 


Toby actually woke up with me a few nights to feed Isla while I pumped and he got a little bit of the experience and recognized that I had to be exhausted and was putting a lot much effort into it. I had so much support from him. He was encouraging and would try to get me to laugh everyday. He'd hug me while I cried. When I told him I was ready to move on he was extremely supportive, and he even mentioned how much Isla loved (and still loves) her bottles. 


I've had a lot of judgement from women, usually women who aren't even mothers yet, that I give Isla formula, but they have no idea what we went though because they haven't been through it and can't understand. Some have even blamed it on me having an induction and the epidural but really what it came down to was it just happened. We try to figure things out too much sometimes. Things happen and sometimes what we want doesn't work out, and that's ok. I learned from this experience. 


Oh that first day of moving on, I remember how wonderful it felt to just enjoy my baby girl!! That first week it was amazing to cuddle more, to count little fingers and toes more, to sing more, and to just love her more. I was a much better, happier mommy just because I could hold her more. I was so excited, I could start doing more with her. I could start making her things (I love to make her stuff!) but most of all just holding her meant the world to me. I could just sit and hold her as much as I wanted! 


Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Cleaning and Isla this week

Why do I hate cleaning so much but love having a clean home? I'm so happy with myself that I have a clean love seat going on I think 2 days now. Since Toby is home for a few days, I'm going to try to be a cleaning and organizing lady this week. Along with that I'm continuing my cutting back on internet. Maybe with the new habits things will finally be cleaner all the time!

Isla has been a busy body the past week and is getting better at scooting around and has even sat up on her own once. She hasn't done it since so maybe it was a fluke and it's the most blurry (blurriest?) picture but I was so proud of her! Since she's getting more mobile it's more important to make sure she isn't getting into things or putting things in her mouth that can hurt her so here's the clean house thing again. I've started baby proofing a few things in our living room since that's the biggest area that has outlets and cords she can get to while on the floor.

It makes me somewhat sad how my teeny baby girl isn't teeny anymore. She's getting bigger, and longer, and it seems like everyday she's doing something new or better. She's gone from sleeping in her pack and play in our room to her crib again the past week. She was in her crib before but after about a week of waking up at least 10 times at night we moved her in with us. She just wasn't ready to be away from mama! ;) Now she's down to maybe 4 times a night of "waking" when she can't find her paci.

Isla has also started teething more, or rather it's more noticeable. Her gums have started really bothering her, and in the afternoons she has a pretty bad fussy time. It's hot, and we think that makes her grouchy too. With it being so hot I try to just keep her in a diaper and maybe a t-shirt or onesie, but usually she's just hanging out in her diaper! She's also started liking her teething toys more and more, even the one that goes in the fridge!! Not sure how much I like them though, cause I'm nervous about the stuff that's inside them.

This week Isla has been eating green beans and loves them!! We've been doing purees slowly, and letting her take her time. She's pretty much told me when she's ready for something, and we did maybe a week of cereal since I just really don't see the point of cereal aside from it showing them how to eat from a spoon. It's not as good for her as veggies and fruits so we've moved on from plain cereal for the most part.

Next week Isla will be 6 months!!!

Time is so precious

Lately I've seen so many tragedies with babies and small children. Maybe it's because I'm more aware of them now with Isla, and that I'm at an age now where more friends and friends of friends are having babies or have younger children. It's just so hard to hear about these things as a mother. I've shed some tears because it just makes my heart ache for them. It makes me want to make sure that I spend more time with Isla, rather than on facebook, reading things on the internet, pinterest, or even on here writing a blog.

I just feel that time is so precious. Not to mention that I've started just feeling overwhelmed I guess with all the different "technological" things, and rather what I can be doing with my time. Some mornings I eat breakfast while I check my stuff even rather than eating and then getting stuff done so I can enjoy my day more later.

 It may sound strange to some, but I know I haven't been focusing on what's important in life as much as I could be because I want to pick up my phone and look around on facebook or pinterest. I know I haven't had much quiet time and it's been hard to even watch an episode of something I enjoy because I get so easily distracted. I felt so alone in all this, like I was the only one with this problem, til I started looking at a blog I used to read everyday again this morning. It was like someone just knew I needed to read that. :)

http://www.girltalkhome.com/blog/category/current_series/

So in order to make sure I'm living my life fully, and how I need to be to be a happier, less tired mama I'm cutting back. Making sure I don't leave my facebook up during the day so I can just look at it when I want is a big thing. Also not letting myself just sit with Isla while I do stuff on the computer is a big thing I need to work on too. The apartment isn't as clean as I want it to be because I let myself go play on pinterest rather than dusting or re organizing stuff that needs to be put up. When we move into a house I don't want to get overwhelmed even more and exhausted trying to keep up.

I'm hoping if I post about this I'll be more accountable. It's out in the internets, out in the open, and people can see it. It's not going to be easy because it's such a habit to check things and get sucked in but I'm already doing a lot better than I was last week. :)