Things you learn as a mother (and as a human being)

Nothing usually goes as planned. I'm constantly learning that as a mommy. It seems like there's something new every day that shows me that. I know the biggest chunk of "learning" that comes to my mind is Isla's birth and breastfeeding. That all went the complete opposite of how I envisioned it would. Not only was I induced, I had an epidural, and was about a week late. I wanted to go into labor on my own, and try to go unmedicated. Just wasn't how it happened though!

I still remember the week I decided to move on from breastfeeding. After about a month or so of seeing lactation consultants every few days we moved on to formula. It's still hard to talk about but maybe someone will see this and it'll help them. I might even share it on facebook. I think it's important that anyone going through something like this knows they aren't alone.

During pregnancy I had planned to breastfeed for at least a year whether it was nursing or pumping. We didn't have any big issues til after we got home. She was simply a lazy nurser then would get mad that she was still hungry, then that lazy nursing told my body to stop producing as much. Pretty soon I was seeing a 2 lactation consultants because the service at our hospital had 2 different women on duty who rarely had the same game plan for us!

I was feeding Isla every 3 hours. I'd nurse, then give her a small bottle of formula, and pump around the clock. I cried the first time I gave Isla a bottle. I ate oatmeal, drank Gatorade, and took supplements and pumped. It maybe helped some with my milk supply. I researched constantly and read about how every woman makes enough milk, and that if they worked hard enough they'll produce enough. I think I got maybe 3-4 hours of sleep every day. Toby would come home and take Isla while I napped so I could sleep. I'd put Isla in her swing while I pumped and I'd feel like all I wanted to do was hold her. 

I felt like a horrible mother. I was crying constantly and so angry with myself. I had always thought something like breastfeeding would be natural and easy, after all it's a mothering instinct to nurse your baby right? She started gaining on the formula/milk combo, and it seemed like I was finally making more so I nursed more. The LC would weigh her before and after she nursed and she was getting a pretty good amount so we started cutting back. I was so excited, til we went back to weigh in on a Friday and she hadn't gained, but lost 2 oz. Bring on more formula and pumping. I felt even worse after that, like a failure. 


I started taking Reglan, a prescription medicine to help me make more milk, even though I wasn't really comfortable with it I wanted to try everything I could. I stopped taking it after a few days because it made me incredibly tired and even more depressed. At some point the LC and I tested my pump and found out that it wasn't functioning right and that was adding or maybe even causing the problems. We replaced parts and she rented me a hospital grade pump for free to try to catch up. 


I was driving to or from the LC one morning when Mandisa's Waiting for Tomorrow came on the radio and it just hit me so hard. I hated how much time and effort I was putting into breastfeeding and even more that it wasn't working out. I felt like I wasn't getting enough time to just enjoy Isla and being a mother. I was just done, it was time to move on, and I had tried my best. I was tired, and I felt like I was missing out on precious time with Isla. 


Toby actually woke up with me a few nights to feed Isla while I pumped and he got a little bit of the experience and recognized that I had to be exhausted and was putting a lot much effort into it. I had so much support from him. He was encouraging and would try to get me to laugh everyday. He'd hug me while I cried. When I told him I was ready to move on he was extremely supportive, and he even mentioned how much Isla loved (and still loves) her bottles. 


I've had a lot of judgement from women, usually women who aren't even mothers yet, that I give Isla formula, but they have no idea what we went though because they haven't been through it and can't understand. Some have even blamed it on me having an induction and the epidural but really what it came down to was it just happened. We try to figure things out too much sometimes. Things happen and sometimes what we want doesn't work out, and that's ok. I learned from this experience. 


Oh that first day of moving on, I remember how wonderful it felt to just enjoy my baby girl!! That first week it was amazing to cuddle more, to count little fingers and toes more, to sing more, and to just love her more. I was a much better, happier mommy just because I could hold her more. I was so excited, I could start doing more with her. I could start making her things (I love to make her stuff!) but most of all just holding her meant the world to me. I could just sit and hold her as much as I wanted! 


Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9